Let's Talk About Imposter Syndrome: Eman Salem
Let’s Talk About Imposter Syndrome is part of a recurring annual interview series where we dig deep into the issues which are affecting our community most, but that doesn’t get talked about all that often publicly.
Last year we talked about anxiety. This year we’re focused on something that may be even more of a stumbling block when you’re trying to run a business: imposter syndrome.
If you’ve ever felt like you don’t belong at the table or that what you’ve accomplished had more to do with good fortune than your own hard work and abilities (despite mountains of evidence to the contrary), then it’s fair to say this sneaky little devil has wormed its way into your life too.
An estimated 70% of people (more than 2/3 people) will experience imposter syndrome at some point or another, which means we should hear a lot more about it. But it has this way of keeping us from sharing and that’s because it wouldn’t have nearly as much power over us if we realized we’re all in the same boat together.
So here we are, dismantling the silos that imposter syndrome tends to create, and sharing the stories of six amazing people who have found success on their own terms, despite being confronted with these “fraudy” feelings on the reg. They’re bravely offering up their experiences and the tools they’ve used to fight back so that the rest of us can be inspired, motivated, and confident enough to do the same.
Introducing: Eman Salem
Next up, Eman Salem, who came to a previous event we held - about how to overcome that dreaded Overwhelm - and opened up to us about how much being in a space with supportive people and realizing that she was supporting them too changed her life. So she knows, first hand, how vital the sharing of stories is.
She quit her corporate job shortly after and swore she’d never be constricted by monotone stockings ever again and since then has founded a motivational coaching business called Iron Self, which focuses on unfiltered vulnerability to empower the self and runs public workshops on all kinds of important things. In fact, she’s got one coming up at the end of February that also deals with Imposter Syndrome so if you wanted to continue the conversation or missed out on our event, it’s well worth checking out.
WHEN DID YOU FIRST KNOW YOU WERE SUFFERING FROM IMPOSTER SYNDROME, LIKE REALLY PUT A NAME TO IT?
Imposter Syndrome showed up for me as the following statement: “Who do you think you are, get over yourself”.
This statement was one of my primary statements entering any room, any conversation, any new job, any relationship, any activity. I did not call it imposter syndrome back then, but I called it the ‘get over yourself’ feeling. The ironic thing is I can only be ME. So who do I think I am? Well, I am Eman!
The first time I realized I suffered from imposter syndrome was when I was 18 years old, training for my black belt in Taekwondo. I knew every move, every sequence, every defence technique, and every kick combination. However, before every tournament I felt like a complete imposter to the entire sport, I would spend 10 minutes in the change room crying it out, I would contemplate quitting, I would sometimes be so terrified of this feeling that I would sabotage myself.
I used to blame it on being nervous, but in reality, it was the ‘get over yourself’ feeling or what I now call imposter syndrome.
HOW HAS IMPOSTER SYNDROME MANIFESTED IN YOUR OWN LIFE? WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE AND WHEN DOES IT HAPPEN MOST OFTEN?
It feels like you have a deformity that you are trying to hide and you are scared of being exposed. It feels like you are shrinking and the world around you is getting out of reach.
Imposter Syndrome is manifesting right now, right this moment, as I type these words. Are my answers good enough, will they regret asking me to be part of this conversation? What the hell am I doing? But I know it is ONE voice, and I have learned to speak with it. It always happens when I am trying something new, or something that makes me uncomfortable, so pretty much all the time!
CAN YOU DESCRIBE TIMES WHEN YOU FEEL IT THE MOST?
The first time I hosted a workshop and charged guests. The entire process felt agonizing. Every night before I went to sleep I would sit there for 15-20 minutes actually talking myself out of cancelling the event and actually believing that this is what I am meant to do.
I felt like SUCH an imposter that I started making up a story that I was delusional and delusional people do not know that they are delusional and so, therefore, I should cancel the event? Whaaaaat? Every night ended with the promise that I will not act on it at night and I will see how I feel in the morning.
WHAT ABOUT WHEN IT SHOWS UP IN SMALL WAYS?
Yes, doing this exercise right now!
I am not fully freaking out about it, I am pretty confident and SO STOKED to be part of this series. But then it creeps up. Is your English PERFECT? Did you make any mistakes? Should I care about mistakes, as long as they get the point? No that’s not professional. You better re-read every sentence a few times. Wait, is that authentic, I kind of want the feelings to flow. Ok Eman, it can flow and still be spell checked, jeez! Wait what was the question. Omg what if I accidentally ramble, holy, they’ll never ask me to come back. STOP! PAUSE! Checking in with myself. Oh hi there imposter syndrome, thanks for stopping by, yes I am totally having a great time answering these questions for this series, and I don’t need your warning at the moment, I am all set, thanks! *rolls eyes*
DO YOU EVER FEEL LIKE IMPOSTER SYNDROME HOLDS YOU BACK? IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WOULD HAVE DONE BUT DIDN’T BECAUSE OF IT? ANYTHING YOU WANT TO DO THAT YOU’RE NOT?
How much time do you have for this question!
Imposter Syndrome has held me back for years! Any time I ever wanted to divert from the plan given to me by my family, I felt like an imposter! Any time I wanted to learn to unleash my creativity, guess what? Imposter syndrome was there.
It used to hold me back from everything! Speaking my mind, quitting my corporate job, creating IronSelf, running on the seawall, facilitating workshops; none of these things would happen if I did not talk to my imposter syndrome and told it to back the F up! I did not believe in myself because imposter syndrome held me back. I did not TRUST myself because imposter syndrome held me back.
Yes, there are many things I want to do! I want to sing. I want to climb a mountain (literally learn the grandness of the outdoors). I want to publish a book. I am currently working through imposter syndrome for each one of them and it is quite an interesting journey!
WHAT FACTORS IN YOUR OWN LIFE DO YOU THINK CONTRIBUTE TO THESE FEELINGS OF NOT BEING ADEQUATE?
Family dynamics, your childhood trauma, your perceived childhood trauma (the two can be different), unrealistic expectations, lack of compassion, social media. However, I would say the biggest factor is how we compare ourselves to others. The entire practice of comparison creates imposter syndrome, that is my newfound perspective!
WHAT ABOUT SOCIETY AS A WHOLE?
Patriarchy, systemic racism, social media, meaningless accumulation of wealth, scarcity mindset.
WHAT ARE SOME OF THE WAYS YOU FIGHT BACK WHEN YOU START TO HAVE THESE FEELINGS?
I learned how to invite these feelings in. I learned that having these feelings present is not the problem. Believing that these feelings are permanent is the problem, or that they are somehow a representation of me.
No, these feelings are just that. Feelings. They will come and they will go. Sometimes they hurt us, and that is ok. So I have learned to have a chat with these feelings. Find out truly where they are coming from, and use gentle and compassionate language to tackle them.
I typically will unfilter myself completely and say all the ridiculous silly beliefs I have about myself out loud. Sometimes I face a mirror and tell myself how I really truly feel, good, bad and ugly. Other times I will make a list of every word I can think of that describes how I am feeling when I am feeling low and shitty, and then take a few minutes break, and then come back and write a descriptive word beside it that is kinder, gives more space, more compassionate etc. And I quickly realized that language has a lot to do with how we interact with imposter syndrome. A situation may not change, but my perception and language will.
HAS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH IMPOSTER SYNDROME CHANGED OR EVOLVED OVER THE YEARS?
Absolutely! It used to force me back into myself. It would hold me back from ever showing up vibrant and full of self. My relationship is always going to be evolving with imposter syndrome. But I am not afraid of it anymore. I also try my best not to villainize it. It is not the enemy, our shitty systems are! You are not shitty! Your imposter syndrome is your warning bell. Answer the bell, thank it, and move on!
WHAT ADVICE DO YOU HAVE FOR OTHERS WHO ARE EXPERIENCING THE SAME THING?
Speak to your imposter syndrome. It is yours, for you, by you.
It is your Ego’s bodyguard. It is just there doing its job, do not hate on it ok? YOU put it there to make sure that it keeps you safe. When it gets a little power-hungry, humble it! Do not fight it, do not blame it. Explain to it that it is overstepping its boundaries and it needs to check itself before it wrecks itself!
LOL I am only half kidding. I use compassion and radical honesty to talk to my imposter syndrome. I let it know that I understand where it is coming from, but I am the boss, what I say goes, and I say let’s do the thing that terrifies me.
Check out all the posts in our Let’s Talk About Imposter Syndrome series .