Let's Talk About Imposter Syndrome: Kae Tran
Let’s Talk About Imposter Syndrome is part of a recurring annual interview series where we dig deep into the issues which are affecting our community most, but that doesn’t get talked about all that often publicly.
Last year we talked about anxiety. This year we’re focused on something that may be even more of a stumbling block when you’re trying to run a business: imposter syndrome.
If you’ve ever felt like you don’t belong at the table or that what you’ve accomplished had more to do with good fortune than your own hard work and abilities (despite mountains of evidence to the contrary), then it’s fair to say this sneaky little devil has wormed its way into your life too.
An estimated 70% of people (more than 2/3 people) will experience imposter syndrome at some point or another, which means we should hear a lot more about it. But it has this way of keeping us from sharing and that’s because it wouldn’t have nearly as much power over us if we realized we’re all in the same boat together.
So here we are, dismantling the silos that imposter syndrome tends to create, and sharing the stories of six amazing people who have found success on their own terms, despite being confronted with these “fraudy” feelings on the reg. They’re bravely offering up their experiences and the tools they’ve used to fight back so that the rest of us can be inspired, motivated, and confident enough to do the same.
Introducing: Kae Tran
Next up, Kae Tran, who is a freelance artist and designer that is squarely focused on “pushing boundaries, [and] advocating diversity and inclusion for youth and disabled communities” through her work.
Kae was diagnosed with a form of Muscular Dystrophy (MD) in her teens and is an open book about her journey so she can build awareness around a disease so many people know nothing about and be a real driver of change for disabled communities. Whether it be through the workshops she runs, interviews and speaking engagements she does, or her new initiative - selling MD awareness pins (coming soon!) that provide a visual presence for an often invisible disease - Kae is a real life warrior.
Follow her on Instagram @lettereleven!
WHEN DID YOU FIRST KNOW YOU WERE SUFFERING FROM IMPOSTER SYNDROME, LIKE REALLY PUT A NAME TO IT?
On a professional level, it was after undergrad when I began my freelance career; figuring out my rate and worth was very tricky in the beginning. Although, this type of struggle is normal, especially for creatives/entrepreneurs. I don’t think it ever goes away because regardless of the industry you’re in, you’ll always be questioning your skill level, growth and demand. Besides, I believe having a healthy dose of doubt is necessary for one’s own development and success.
On a personal level, it was when I started to experience symptoms of Muscular Dystrophy at age 13/14 that would ultimately change my life forever. It added an additional layer of insecurity and doubt when I was trying to figure out who I was and where I fit in the world.
HOW HAS IMPOSTER SYNDROME MANIFESTED IN YOUR OWN LIFE? WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE AND WHEN DOES IT HAPPEN MOST OFTEN?
It manifests in almost every area of my life, i.e. dating, career, social, etc. Being physically disabled is a reality I can’t escape but it becomes an everyday challenge navigating how much about my disability is revealed or hidden. I worried so much about being stigmatized and sometimes I still do.
Living with Limb-Girdle Muscular Dystrophy means continuously grieving the gradual loss of a formerly able-bodied self. Especially because my symptoms started showing up at the beginning of my teen years—a time when you’re supposed to be growing up, having fun and moving forward, but to me it felt like I was going backwards.
MD started breaking down my muscles with no ability to repair themselves and continues to do so today. Accepting and re-adapting to a new body continuously requires more patience, more relearning, and more understanding time and again—and being able to do so with compassion and self-love each time.
Being disabled is foreign, terrifying, devastating and dare I say ‘uncool’—this is of course what we’ve been conditioned to believe. I needed to rebuild the entire way I thought of myself and how I dealt with the world, and the more help I needed to just function in everyday tasks, the more I felt I had to keep everything normal and pretend like it was okay on the outside. My slow loss of independence was the biggest challenge, the hardest part was coming to terms with the fact that I would have to ask for help for the rest of my life.
With the loss of my mobility and strength, it became harder to fit in with everyone. This has made me feel unsafe, anxious, stressed, fearful, restless, ashamed, guilty, unworthy and inadequate—all because I didn’t move the same as everyone else. Losing control over my own body made me miserable and insecure. Every interaction felt like a lie because I was hiding my truth: I was getting sick and needed a lot of help.
My version of disability is also fairly invisible at a glance - in a lot of cases you can’t tell other than that I walk super slow, have a funny gait, can’t climb stairs or get up swiftly from a low chair. So it makes it a requirement that I have to constantly volunteer the information about my health to everyone I meet; in a lot of cases it’s not just a social thing but also for my safety. The anxiety of how and when to reveal this information is always in the back of my mind, and you never know how someone is going to react.
Honestly, it feels like being trapped in a hopeless situation; it’s a race against time with no way out—but that’s because there really is no way out. This incurable disease continually and progressively robs me of many things and that not only includes my health but opportunities, experiences, relationships, confidence and self-esteem...I’m not even 30 yet! My whole youth felt like a fraud. I used to believe I didn’t have what it took to be desirable and successful but thankfully, I let go of that mentality.
CAN YOU DESCRIBE TIMES WHEN YOU FEEL IT THE MOST?
It’s most apparent when I’m working, dating and/or making new friends, layered heavily with the complexities of being physically disabled...I had double the insecurities to work through and/or mask.
Back when my symptoms were mild, I would hide the fact I was living with MD so I could actually be seen for me— I wanted fair chances without the negative bias towards differently-abled people. This meant avoiding pity and pre-judgement—and I got that—at the expense of my sanity. Although I got to live the illusion of a “normal” life, it was very unhealthy and tiring.
I carried the weight of having to go through extreme lengths to hide my illness, in fear of rejection and being discovered as someone disabled. For instance, I would always get invited out and depending on the situation, tell them some excuse like I didn’t play sports or that I had no money to avoid putting myself in a position of vulnerability. I would also consciously choose not to get emotionally attached to people I dated, I wanted to avoid heartbreak in case they found out about my inevitable health status.
WHAT ABOUT WHEN IT SHOWS UP IN SMALL WAYS?
There’d be lots of moments where I wouldn’t apply for a job or go to an event/outing because I would feel insecure about being the only disabled person there, let alone being the only young disabled person there (which is usually the case 9/10 times).
That or the location isn’t wheelchair accessible, which means literally denying me access. Sometimes it’s both. The latter usually makes me feel further isolated from society and thus feeling like a hassle to accommodate or too embarrassing to be seen in public with.
For the longest time, I thought I held everyone back from living their fast-paced, fun and worry-free life. When I put myself out there, I couldn’t and still can’t help but feel out of place. Sometimes it’s just from being the most different looking person in the room and the looks I would get for being a young person with a mobility aid.
DO YOU EVER FEEL LIKE IMPOSTER SYNDROME HOLDS YOU BACK? IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WOULD HAVE DONE BUT DIDN’T BECAUSE OF IT? ANYTHING YOU WANT TO DO THAT YOU’RE NOT?
It holds me back all the time.
I believed others would only see my disability and assume I’m not capable or deserving enough. The stigma around disability is so negative and misunderstood, I was afraid I wouldn’t be accepted.
I’ve given up on many opportunities where I could’ve furthered my career or had a wider range of life experiences but I wouldn’t and couldn’t access it—mentally and physically. There’d be moments where I’d make myself small to make others comfortable. I closed myself off from everyone and everything.
I wish I hadn’t but now I’m more honest, open and vulnerable. I apply for that job I know isn’t accessible, and I try to do the things that I know aren’t going to be physically easy. These things are uncomfortable and maybe impossible but at least now I’m trying. Doing more despite my limiting circumstances is truly liberating and fulfilling.
WHAT FACTORS IN YOUR OWN LIFE DO YOU THINK CONTRIBUTE TO THESE FEELINGS OF NOT BEING ADEQUATE?
My health issues contribute largely to my feelings of self-worth and self-doubt—and always will.
Without the ability and freedom of movement, can one really be confident, content and/or safe? Can you really feel good about yourself when you can’t move and express yourself the way you want to? What about when you can’t get into homes and buildings because it’s not barrier-free? Or when you miss out on activities and quality time spent with your friends and family? Or when you’re forced to skip the casual, organic, flirty, and fun nature of getting to know someone on a date? How about struggling with simple daily tasks?
The challenges of being physically limited go beyond one’s direct experiences; how people treat you is another hardship.
WHAT ABOUT SOCIETY AS A WHOLE?
Society’s perception of the disabled/chronically-ill community really needs to improve. It’s extremely important that the world at large creates open dialogue and safe spaces to talk about these kinds of things. Living in the dark about a unique illness is already isolating enough, but then to put yourself out there in a space where no one understands is really terrifying and depressing.
Without the fear of misconceptions and poor treatment caused by ingrained ableism, people like myself wouldn’t feel the need to hide their illness or feel insecure about their place within the community. With no education or awareness on the full spectrum of health differences and diversity, it further perpetuates stigmatization. By having this deeper understanding and empathy seep into every interaction, it improves everyone’s quality of life for the better; there’d peace and acceptance all around.
WHAT ARE SOME OF THE WAYS YOU FIGHT BACK WHEN YOU START TO HAVE THESE FEELINGS?
Knowing that I deserve to be here is the cornerstone of overcoming imposter syndrome. I have to remind myself that living with MD isn’t a choice and that my situation doesn’t define me in a negative way.
For most of my diagnosis, I’ve felt awful about myself. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, confused and burdensome to be around. Through it all, I’ve learned to make the most of what life throws my way—which is really empowering and impressive. I’ve shown myself that I’m resilient, innovative and a fucking fighter. My weakness, literally and figuratively, is my strength—it’s what makes my perspective invaluable, especially for something like problem-solving for accessible design.
HAS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH IMPOSTER SYNDROME CHANGED OR EVOLVED OVER THE YEARS?
Yes, of course, and just like anything, it’ll always be a work in progress.
Aside from being a creative, I think it’s human nature to feel like you’re not enough, to seek external validation and to doubt your standing in life. For me, I’m on a journey of wholeheartedly embracing the challenges that come with being sick and disabled and hopefully changing how the world treats disabled/chronically-ill people.
Overcoming imposter syndrome gets easier with every conscious effort because living with something this debilitating, while making the most of it and even pushing boundaries is a fucking power move—that takes a lot of courage in itself.
WHAT ADVICE DO YOU HAVE FOR OTHERS WHO ARE EXPERIENCING THE SAME THING?
Well, the obvious one is life’s too short to feel all sorts of bad about yourself. Secondly, only you know what you want and what works for your life. Lastly, please understand that your insecurities aren’t you.
It’s okay to have these thoughts but it’s as simple as communicating to get clarification before running off with these negative feelings that likely aren’t true. Also—it’s healthy to occasionally show some vulnerability with others about your fears and insecurities, you’ll likely learn that you’re not alone. In the end, we all need some form of help and support.
Final note—no matter who you are or think you should be, what you look like, where you’re from, what you’ve been through and are still going through—remember this: you are worthy of space and your experiences and truths are valid. And get this: no one really knows what the hell they’re doing so, why not do you, be yourself, have fun learning, and live life unapologetically—there’s only one you and you’re irreplaceable.
Check out all the posts in our Let’s Talk About Imposter Syndrome series .